I LOVED HIM BUT HE DUMPED ME

Yesterday I had a business meeting to attend with my dear friend and sister Ramotu at Protea Hotel but by the time I got into my car I got an SOS call from my suicidal friend that she was back in shock. Haaaa. Instead of going for my meeting I headed off to her office only to meet her crying again. Guess what this time? She got information that her fiancée was getting married to someone else on Saturday. Wow. This is a guy she invested all her time and money in. They dated for many years and she was waiting for him to pop the "Will You Marry Me" question, only for him to break up with her last week and now this? How cruel. When Ramotu called to enquire what happened, I apologized and explained things to her. Her exact response was, "We women let our hearts blind us sometimes of the obvious cos most often the signs are there but we just don't want to see it.
She was not looking out for signs and maybe he showed her a sign but she ignored it or she was not ready to accept it hoping there was a chance". Now this is the most interesting part, she said,"I guess most women would always get hurt but we just have to make sure the person is worth the pain" wow. Sacrifice... Our discussion got me thinking. Why are we women always on the receiving end? Is there anything we can do to stop us from being the victim? I quickly went online to do some research and what you are about to read below is something I just thought I should share with you. Hope it helps you somehow. I was also wondering, could some men be in this situation too? It's so very possible. So if you are a brother and you suspect something fishy is happening in your marriage this article might be of great help to you.

Thank You Ramotu, you have inspired me. Hugs.

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I FEEL SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT IN MY MARRIAGE

Hmmmm. Should you investigate your husband if you suspect him of cheating on you? Why even bother trying find out? Why attempt to discover something you’d probably rather not know? Why not take the course of least resistance and leave things as they are? Why not just look the other way until his cheating becomes too blatant to ignore, or until someone brings it to your attention? Why not just pretend it’s not happening and hope for the best?

I’m sure one or more of these questions have crossed your mind before.

Ignorance is Not Bliss

When it comes to infidelity, ignorance is not bliss. Ignoring your husband’s affair will not make it go away. Experts say that if a woman does not find out about and address her husband’s cheating nature, it’s likely to become a permanent state of affairs. Turning a blind eye can cause irreparable harm to your marriage. By pretending it’s not happening, you create a permissive environment and are enabling your husband’s affair. The longer you pretend not to know, the more likely he is to continue, because he thinks he’s getting away with his cheating or feels that you silently approve.

Ignoring your husband’s cheating will not make the situation better. In fact, things would get progressively worse. Your husband could become so attached to his lover that it will be difficult for him to give her up and get your marriage back on track. Sure, you could passively sit back and wait for your husband to tire of his lover but what if he gets tired of you instead and decides to leave you and move in with her, or ask you for a divorce? Your Future is at Stake. No doubt you’ve heard stories of husbands who abandon their wives after years of marriage. What if your husband suddenly leaves you without warning? What if it comes as a total surprise and you’ve done nothing to prepare yourself financially or emotionally for this devastating and traumatic change of events? The sooner you find out what you’re up against, the sooner you can take action. You owe it to yourself—and your children, if you have any— to uncover the truth.

“Is he cheating on me?” Once that question takes root in your mind for any reason, it can haunt you day and night, until you find the answer. It will create anxieties that spill over into other areas of your life. This, in turn, will affect the way you react toward friends, family and the world around you. It can manifest itself as anger, depression, anxiety and numerous physical problems as well. Your mental, physical and emotional well-being are at stake. So banish the thought that you’re better off not knowing the truth.

Why Should You Try to Find Out the Truth If you think your husband might be cheating?

it’s in your best interest to do everything in your power to confirm whether or not what you suspect is true. Here are some compelling reasons why:

1. To put your mind at ease.

A strong suspicion that your husband could be cheating can cause you endless days of worry and many sleepless nights. If it turns out he’s not cheating, it will be a big relief to know your suspicions were untrue. The sooner you deal with your suspicions, the sooner you can stop worrying and get on with your life.

2. To eliminate the possibility of contracting HIV/AIDS or some other deadly sexually transmitted disease.

HIV/AIDS and other STDs are a stark reality of life. If your husband is having unprotected sex with someone else it can have life-threatening consequences—for you, him, or your unborn children. If you find telltale signs that this type of reckless behavior is going on behind your back, you can take steps to protect yourself.

3. To prepare yourself emotionally for the possibility that your husband may leave you. If your husband’s involvement with his lover reaches the point that he decides to leave you for her, wouldn’t you rather know in advance? The last thing you want is to have him spring it on you by surprise. As devastating as it may be, knowing that this is a possibility will give you time to mentally and emotionally adjust to the idea.

4. To give yourself time to prepare to support yourself financially, in the absence of your husband. Should it become necessary, you need to be in a position to handle expenses on your own. If you’re not working now, you may need to start searching for a job. You may need to complete your education, take a refresher course or learn a trade to make yourself employable. Women who are financially dependant on cheating husbands, have no choice but to put up with their cheating husbands

5. To keep unfounded suspicions from poisoning your marriage and your mind. No matter how carefully you conceal what you suspect, if you really think your husband is cheating, these thoughts are bound to poison your mind. You’ll view him in a different light. This will eventually affect other aspects of your marriage — your sex life, your daily interaction with your husband, the level of trust you have in him and more. If your suspicions turn out to be false, the absence of telltale signs can restore balance and breathe new life into your marriage.

6. To gather evidence so you can confront your husband with your knowledge of his affair. Often the key attraction of an affair is the secrecy, the intrigue, the feeling of getting away with something forbidden. For many men, once the affair is out in the open, it loses its appeal.

7. To short-circuit an impending affair.

Affairs usually happen in stages. Most men don’t suddenly become cheating husbands overnight. Your husband may not have actually cheated yet, but he could be seriously entertaining “pre-infidelity thoughts.” Knowing how to spot the early warning signs of an impending affair will give you a chance to stop things before they even begin.

8. To seek professional help in coping with your husband’s affair.

It takes time to locate a skilled marriage counselor or family therapist to help you work through the emotional trauma that accompanies the discovery of an affair. A trained professional can guide you through the aftermath of the affair and work with you individually or as a couple to get your marriage back on track. A competent marriage counselor or couples therapist can help you avoid an unnecessary divorce. If divorce is inevitable, your counselor or therapist can help you rebuild your life.

9. To gain control of the situation.

Knowledge is power. You can feel like a helpless victim if you’re not sure what’s going on, and easily get swept along with the tide. You can empower yourself by finding out the facts. Once you have a clear picture of what’s happening, the ball is in your court. You can take control of the situation by making an informed decision on how to handle the matter. You may even be able to turn the situation to your advantage.

10. To find out exactly what you’re dealing with.

If your husband has been acting strangely for the past few weeks or months, maybe he’s cheating on you. But what if there’s another reason for his strange behavior? If there’s some other problem or issue that’s threatening the stability of your marriage, you need to know what it is. Some discreet detective work on your part will help you find out what’s really going on.

11. To safeguard your financial assets if your husband is planning to leave you.

What about your financial security? An unexpected divorce or separation can put an unsuspecting wife in a serious financial bind. Consider the financial implications of your situation (living arrangements, child care, transportation, bills etc.) if your husband leaves you high and dry. What guarantee do you have that he’ll continue to provide for you and the children if he leaves you for someone else. Cheating husbands planning to leave their wives will often transfer, liquidate, divert or otherwise conceal marital assets and resources. What if he remarries or moves in with someone else?

12. To gain the time you need to fight for your marriage. If you know your husband is seeing someone else, you can examine yourself and your marriage to see what may have triggered the affair. If you can pinpoint the contributing factors, you have a fighting chance to make changes that could save your marriage from divorce.

13. To determine whether your marriage is in jeopardy. The first step in solving a problem is define exactly what the problem is. All affairs are not the same. Some affairs pose a more serious threat to a relationship than others. Things may not be as bad as you think – or they could be a whole lot worse. A little detective work will not only help find out if your husband is cheating, it will help you determine what type of affair it is. Is he merely having a “frivolous fling? Or has he forged a deep emotional or sexual bond with his lover that will be difficult or impossible to break

14. To focus your energy in the right direction. You can waste endless time and energy and drive yourself crazy wondering: Is he? Isn’t he? What the heck is going on? You’ll be in a constant state of emotional limbo until you find out the truth. Taking matters into your own hands will not only be therapeutic, it will help you get to the bottom of things. Once you have a clear picture of the situation, you can figure out what to do next. If he is cheating, you can focus your energy on planning how to handle the situation.

15. To get the facts out into the open so the two of you can work together to get your marriage back on track. Sometimes an affair can serve as a wake-up call for a marriage. If you find out for sure that your husband is cheating, the two of you (alone or with the help of a marriage counselor) can pinpoint and address the underlying problems in the marriage which may have contributed to the affair. Dealing with the root of the problem can lessen the likelihood of your husband straying again.

16. To make rational decisions about your future based on facts rather than assumptions.

If your suspicions about your husband’s cheating have not been confirmed, you should delay taking action of any kind until you’re absolutely sure. It would be foolish on you part for you to leave your husband, put him out, or start divorce proceedings on the basis of speculation about what might going on. Don’t speculate – investigate. First, get the facts. Look for confirming telltale signs, then proceed. Base your decisions on reliable information.

17. To put an end to malicious rumors and gossip. It’s embarrassing and humiliating to be grist for the rumor mill. Others might also suspect your husband of cheating on you, and may be talking about you behind your back. But things may not be what they seem. There could be a valid explanation for your husband’s behavior. If your investigation reveals that he’s not cheating, you can silence those wagging tongues, and put an end to the malicious gossip, rumors and lies.

18. To punish the scoundrel or seek revenge. (NOT A GOOD IDEA). I don’t recommend this at all, but many women feel justified in exacting revenge or punishing their husbands for cheating on them. I strongly discourage you from doing anything of this sort. A desire for revenge can be a recipe for disaster. Revenge might make you feel better temporarily, but in the long run, it’s not worth the time and effort. The newspapers and prison systems are full of women who overstepped the boundaries of the law to get revenge on a cheating husband. Whatever your personal reasons are for wanting to find out if your husband is cheating on you, please Don’t speculate, always investigate

HOW TO FIND THE TELLTALE SIGNS

For your convenience, we have noted some telltale signs to look out for. Look through the signs and give yourself a reasonable period of time ( 1 to 3 weeks) to search for clues. Watch your husband closely. Pay close attention to the things he says and does. Since there are over 800 telltale signs, it’s unlikely that you’ll miss any significant signs if you pay close attention to what’s going on.

While it’s true that some telltale signs are quite subtle, most of them are easy to spot – provided you know what to look for.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Do not be intimidated or put off by the number of telltale signs. You DO NOT have to find every single sign. Even if your husband is cheating, not every sign will apply to him; but you’ll be surprised at how many will. Just check them off so you can spot any patterns. Use your senses – all of them.

LOOK – at his appearance. Pay attention to his behavior. Notice any changes in his work habits or his daily routine.

LISTEN – for uncharacteristic remarks, for things he now refuses to discuss, for names dropped, for lies or inconsistencies in the things he says,

SMELL – his person, his clothing, his car for incriminating sexual odors or unfamiliar scents.

FEEL – the tension in your marriage, the emotional distance.

Don’t be so quick to dismiss your intuition. If your instinct or gut feelings tell you something is wrong, take a closer look. One study showed that over 80% of the women who had a “feeling” their husbands were cheating, turned out to be right. Your subconscious mind can pick up on things long before you consciously register that something is amiss. Learn to trust your instincts.

Stay Alert

Don’t let a single day pass without scrutinizing everything your husband says or does in your head first. The signs that are evident one day may not be there the next. Be alert for anything that appears to be a departure from your husband’s norm. The more diligently you look, the more telltale signs you’re likely to find. It’s not uncommon to observe telltale signs without recognizing them for what they are.

Should You Spy On Your Husband?

Some women have no problem with actively searching for telltale signs. Others have serious issues about “invasion of privacy” and prefer to confine their observations to only things that can be readily seen. To them, certain boundaries are not to be crossed even for a worthy cause. If you fall into this category, there are still numerous telltale signs you can find without having to actively “snoop.” If you’re uneasy about “spying,” by all means, do what feels comfortable to you. However it may be helpful to look at the situation from a different point of view. Think of what you’re doing as information-gathering. And bear in mind that sometimes the end justifies the means. Spying, snooping or “information gathering” may be the only way for you to find out the truth.

Write Down Everything You Find, Everything!

Buy yourself a small journal and keep accurate records of everything you find. Don’t try to rely on your memory. Put it down in black and white. Log in the dates, times and places that suspicious incidents occur - phone calls, absences, meetings, excuses given, names dropped and anything else. If you put everything down on paper, you can analyze what you find to detect any patterns in your husband’s behavior. Carefully record your findings and keep your journal under lock and key. Searching for proof of infidelity is like putting together a jigsaw puzzle. You need to put the pieces together before you can see the whole picture. Each telltale signs you find is a piece of the puzzle. Does he go to the store for cigarettes or a beer every Thursday night around 8 pm? Do anonymous phone calls only arrive ½ hour before his weekly “night out with the guys?” Does he put on cologne to go “work out at the gym?” Does he wear his best suit or his favorite outfit only on the days he says he’ll be working late? Does one condom disappear weekly from the box in the bottom drawer, even if the two of you haven’t had sex that day? Is there alcohol on his breath every time he tells you he’s late because his car had engine trouble or ran out of gas? Does he come home and head straight for the shower only when he’s been “visiting a sick relation?”

Patterns like these will only be evident if you document the things you find.

Exercise Caution

When you find tangible, physical evidence, pay very close attention to exactly where and how it was found. Be careful to put things back exactly the way they were, to keep from arousing suspicion. Whenever possible, scan, make photocopies or take photos of love text messages, suspicious phone numbers, emails, letters, incriminating receipts, and similar items you come across. Make note of everything in your “evidence journal” and keep it in a safe place. You’ll need this proof when you sit down and inform your husband that you know about his affair. As you conduct your investigation, be discreet. Keep your eyes and ears open and your mouth shut. Maintain your secrecy. Be careful not to tip your hand. Don’t let your husband know that you suspect anything at all. It won’t be easy, but try to treat him the same way you did before you began to have doubts. Otherwise, he may become suspicious of you, and attempt to cover his tracks. As long as he has no idea that you “onto him”, it will be easier to find the telltale signs.

Watch and Wait

Continue watching your husband and the pieces of the infidelity puzzle will gradually start to fall into place. A lot of his strange behavior will suddenly begin to make sense. It may take anywhere from a few days to several weeks before you find out the truth. During the time you’re observing your husband, you may be tempted to question him about some of the things you see or hear. You’ll probably feel an overwhelming urge to drop hints about what you’ve found just to let him know you’re not a fool. My advice to you is: DON’T. If you give in to these urges prematurely, you’ll be making a grave mistake. Keep your lips zipped and your emotions in check, and wait until you have all the facts. Timing is everything. Don’t lose your advantage by revealing what you know too soon.

Restrain Yourself

It will take great effort to restrain yourself as the evidence against him mounts. Do not come right out and ask your husband if he’s having an affair unless you’re ready to hear a lie. It usually takes solid evidence before a cheating husband will reluctantly (if ever) admit to having an affair. Even then, many men make lame excuses and continue to lie. Ask a few discreet questions, if you must, but refrain from giving him the third degree. But remember that a man who cheats will also lie. Take anything he says with a grain of salt. Continue searching for telltale signs and put your major questions on hold for now. Jot them down in your evidence journal for later use. You’ll get your chance to ask questions later when you sit down with your husband and have talk with him about his affair. Restrain yourself for now.  Meanwhile, there’s nothing to gain and everything to lose, by dropping hints and letting your husband know what you suspect. Reveal what you know only when the time is right.

Control Your Emotions The more information you gather about your husband’s affair, the more fragile your emotions may become. Or the hotter your anger will begin to blaze. Try to keep your emotions in check for now, or you could blow everything. If you need to vent, call or visit your confidante or your counsellor so you can have a good cry or let off a little steam.

Build a Solid Case

Once you have solid proof that your husband is cheating, you’re ready for the next step. Experts all agree that you should confront your husband with your knowledge of his affair. Make sure your case is strong and your evidence irrefutable. It will be hard for him to twist the truth or tell you it’s all in your mind when you have it written down in black and white. That’s why it’s so important for you to keep accurate notes. If you have nothing concrete to point to, he’ll try to confuse you or convince you it’s all in your mind. This is a common ploy of cheating husbands when confronted with evidence of their affair. The first thing they do is “lie and deny.” Plan Your Confrontation When the time is right, confront your husband with what you’ve found out about his affair. But make sure you have the 3 P’s – proof, a plan, and a purpose. Chose the time and place carefully so you can discuss things at length without interruption. Present the evidence you’ve gathered which proves he’s having an affair. Your purpose is to ask him specific things about the circumstances surrounding the affair so you can make an informed and intelligent decision about what to do next.

A WORD OF CAUTION Do not jeopardize your safety searching for telltale signs. Take all necessary precautions to protect yourself and your children. If at any time you sense you may be in danger; or if your husband has aggressive tendencies, an explosive temper, or a history of violent behavior, leave the detective work to a pro. Do not put yourself or your children at risk.

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