IS YOUR SPOUSE CHEATING? KNOW THE SIGNS.

Signs of a Cheating Spouse

Suspicions of a cheating spouse can leave you with a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You feel that something is just not right, but you really can't put your finger on anything specific. While it's a common saying that "if you suspect he/she is cheating, he/she probably is", but having something more solid to go on helps. The following information can give you clues that your spouse may be straying, as well as tips on how to proceed.

Infidelity: What to Look For, What to Do

Suspicion of infidelity is a horrible thing. It can cause insecurity, anxiety, fear, sleeplessness, depression, and can occupy your thoughts and mind all hours of the day and night. You begin to speculate: What did I do to drive him/her away? Didn't I love him/her enough? Did I upset him/her? Will I ever trust him/her again? Will our relationship ever be the same? What does the other person have that I don't? Is it because she is slim and I'm fat? After a while your health can suffer and your performance at work and at home can suffer.

Throughout the years, I have become sensitive to the "red flags" that may indicative that someone in a relationship was being unfaithful.

Here are some Signs of a Cheating Spouse;

​So, let me share with you a number of subtle (and not-so-subtle) clues that you should be aware of, should you suspect that your spouse or partner is being unfaithful. While none of these "red flags" automatically mean you are being deceived, they should be regarded as possible indicators of deceit, to determine if further investigation is warranted.

Usually, the thing that will tip you off is a change in behavior. So, let's look at just a few of the behaviors that you might observe, if your loved one was being unfaithful:

Odd Behavior At Home:

If Your partner or spouse…

​1. Appears distant, shows a lack of interest or develops an unexplained aloofness.

2. Is frequently tired or lacks interest in the relationship.

3. Comes home smelling of an unfamiliar fragrance.

4. Wears cologne much more often than usual.

5. Arrives home and heads straight into the shower/bath.

6. Gets dressed up a little too well for trips to the grocery or running some other kind of errand or menial task.

7. Begins to speak more and more harshly to you, or is more sarcastic. Sometimes this is just an attempt to justify their cheating or to give them an excuse to storm out of the room/house.

8. Asks about your schedule more often than usual.

9. Develops an increased focus on losing weight or pays more attention to their appearance.

10. Stops wearing his wedding ring and when asked, can't give a reasonable explanation

Here are also some Romance Tip-offs That Something's Wrong:

A cheating spouse

​1. Is no longer interested in sex, or he makes excuses for its infrequency.

2. Starts to request kinky or other erotic sexual activity (behavior) that you've never done before, including watching porn

3. Shows a "new talent" in the bedroom (that they might have learned from the individual with whom they've been cheating)

4. Appears reluctant to kiss you, or show affection toward you.

5. Criticizes you for showing him attention.

6. Continues giving poor excuses for why he is not in the mood to make love.

Here are also Work-related Signs That He May Be Cheating:

If Your partner or spouse…

1. Work longer hours, more frequently…and keep you from viewing his paycheck/pay-stubs

2. Changes his established routine with no apparent reason

3. Begins discouraging you from calling him at work

4. Is often "unavailable" when you try to call him at work or give you that "I'm busy story".

5. Returns calls long after you leave a message for him.

6. Prefers to attend work functions (or any events) alone and tries to discourage you from attending.

7. Takes more trips for business reasons and even refuses to let you drive him to the airport.

Here are some Telephone Mannerisms That Are Different:

If Your partner or spouse…

1. Receives "mysterious" phone calls or funny text messages.

2. You get an increasing number of hang-ups or "wrong numbers" when you pick up his phone. Especially if the caller hangs up after hearing your voice and doesn't speak. Generally when a person dials a "wrong" number, they will at least ask, "Is Fred there?" before hanging up (though not always).

3. Hurriedly picks up the phone to answer it before you do.

4. Leaves the room to talk on the phone or says something like, "Tony can I call you back".

5. Whispers while on the phone.

6. Suddenly gets a new cell phone and discourages you from looking at or using the phone or pager.

7. Deletes numbers from the "caller ID".

8. Behaves differently or ends the telephone calls abruptly when you enter the room. Or appears to hang up quickly.

​Car signs that something is fishy

1. The passenger's seat is adjusted differently than you had left it.

2. Taking the child seat out of the car for no particular reason.

3. Finding suspicious items like phone numbers, receipts, lipstick, condoms or strange hairs in the vehicle.

4. Keeping a change of clothes in the trunk.

Internet Infidelity Warning Signs

He warily guards access to his computer.

He shuts down the computer as you walk into the room.

He adds password protection his computer.

Or he stays up to "work" on the computer long after you've gone to bed.

He has unusual sites showing in the "browser history", or erases them after each late-night session.

He deletes email message more frequently

Now, let me reiterate that these behaviors are only indicators of a cheating husband and are not absolutes.

​Then we have the Advanced Cheater

Some cheating spouses are very deceitful and can cover their tracks superbly. They may become more attentive in an effort to compensate for the fact that their attentions are going elsewhere. They behave like "model" parents in an effort to alleviate their guilt. They can juggle the extra-marital relationship, while tending to the marriage in a seemingly flawless way. They may also have friends that will help them to get out of the house or provide alibis for the cheater. These are the people who are the hardest to catch, and the ones who cause the most pain when they are finally caught.

If, after some consideration you begin to have suspicions, don't accuse, but just observe.

If you accuse your partner and are mistaken, you risk causing unnecessary and irreparable damage to your relationship…damage that may take a lot of time to recover from. And, even if you are correct, it's quite possible that your spouse will be able to explain his behavior in a manner that's sufficient to cause you to raise reasonable doubt. And, because he is now aware that you are suspicions, he will be even more careful and more guarded, making it much more difficult for you to determine the truth.

​If you become suspicious, don't treat the cheater any differently and don't interfere. Now is the time for careful observation, and not for anger. The cheater will eventually be found out, so it's important to be patient, observant, and to make note of patterns of behavior.

​A final word of caution: If you think a spouse or partner is misbehaving while you're out of town, you may consider pretending to plan a trip out of town, in order to conduct your own surveillance and confirm your suspicions.

​You should be discouraged from doing this is because if your suspicions are confirmed, your emotions may cause you to react in a manner that is counter-productive. Emotions can make all us behave in a reactionary way, and at moments like this, it's vitally important to keep a cool head. So, if this idea still appeals to you, be careful.

​If and When to Confront a Cheating Spouse.​

What if you're absolutely certain your spouse IS cheating? Once you've observed your spouse or partner for a sufficient amount of time, you may eventually feel that it is necessary to confront him/her your spouse. How do you handle it?

If you feel you absolutely must confront the alleged cheater, make sure to do so at a time when he is not rushed or running late. You want him to have time to speak with you. You don't want him to have a reason to leave the room/house. Don't ask while he is driving and of course: don't ask while children are present.

​Gauge His Reactions

​Before you actually confront him, ask simple, non-invasive questions to get an idea of his general attitude and willingness to talk in general. You will do this for the same reason that a person operating a polygraph machine might: to establish an idea of their "baseline". So, for example, ask what he wants for breakfast, or what he has planned for the day…or anything else that he can respond to easily. Then just observe his general behavior. Once you finally confront your spouse, you'll need to carefully observe his behavior.

​You can expect him to be defensive. He may become evasive and reply with something like, "What makes you think that?" (Trying to see where he'd slipped up). Or, he may get indignant and say "Why on earth would you say such a thing?" or "I'm offended that you would say such a thing!"

Often, innocent people will respond directly by saying, "Yes" or "No". They are more likely to respond to your inquiry directly, kindly and patiently. They are more likely to show that they are willing to discuss your concerns and to address those things that caused you to doubt in the first place. Cheaters are generally very uncomfortable about addressing the issue and may "explode" and become very defensive and angry.

​When confronting a cheating spouse, it may help to inquire about specific occasions when you know for certain what the truth is, so you can see if he is lying. 

A marriage plagued with suspicions is not a good one, regardless of whether or not an actual affair is taking place.

Rather than become an obsessive detective, I would recommend individual counseling, therapy or coaching and taking a very good look at yourself. Focus your attention on becoming a better you, and then you will be stronger and more capable of handling the future whatever the future brings. Also as you become a healthier person, you will become better at recognizing unhealthy patterns in your relationship and/or any codependent tendencies. As you change you’ll find your partner will also be forced to change. It can be a surprising revelation to learn how we also have a part to play in the relationship “dance” that is taking place in our marriage.

We can change our relationships by learning how to change ourselves.

​

​