When the Relationship's Over ... How to deal with it...

You're hurt, disbelieving, and angry. At first, you loved the way your partner hung on your every word, looked at you with admiring eyes and filled that empty void within you. Their insecurity and neediness inspired your determination to be that one special person who was going to fix them for good. You felt exceptional, heroic, and valuable. Now you feel tortured and empty. As this person's savior, you tolerated behavior beyond what is acceptable. You were certain that your partner depended on you and they would never leave. However challenging, you were committed to seeing this relationship through. But now you just can't.
Or maybe your partner left you. Or who knows, because you've broken up and gotten back together more times than you can count now you feel trapped by your determination to get back what you've lost and the haunting suspicion that what you had wasn't even real. 

Even so, you're still obsessed about what your partner is doing or feeling--or especially, who they might be seeing now, what he's/she's doing to the person, where they could be etc. Maybe you've sworn them off, but fear that if they contact you you'll get involved again for sure. Let's face the facts: this is no way to live. At this point, blame is useless. 

The urge to understand all that happened and to be able to explain to others about what you've gone through isn't helping you recover from a relationship that turned toxic for the both of you. 

The truth is, You can't do any more for that person, no matter how much you loved each other in the past. Now It's time to move beyond blame and start healing yourself. 

Ten Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck are:

1) The belief that this person holds the key to your happiness. 

You may think your ex is the centre of your joy and the keeper of your sorrow. This is not true in any way. You have imbued this person with special powers they don't really have. You had a special bond because you were each meeting unconscious needs and spent quality time together. You were probably very receptive to your partner's heightened attention for reasons that may involve your self image, family background, and unconscious needs 

2) The belief that you caused all the problems in the relationship, so you can fix them.

You did your best to be what your partner wanted you to be and do what your partner wanted you to do. But that was impossible because human needs and opinions changes from day to day. But neither you nor your behaviors were ever the real issue. Your partner unconsciously projected their own self-hate and feelings of worthlessness onto you. The longer the relationship lasted, the more you started to own those feelings. That's one of the reasons you held on so long: who else would have you? It's going to take some time to regain your self-esteem and sense of self. You put those "unacceptable" parts of yourself on hold for a long time, isolated yourself, and lost track of what you needed or wanted. Your top priority is getting that back. 

3) Clinging to the words that were said.

You and your ex have made lots of promises and declared your love many times. But people suffering most times idealize people and put them on pedestals before they knock them down. They see people in black and white (one reason you've probably broken up and gotten back together so many times). This isn't something you can change or "love away." Only years of effective therapy with a highly motivated client can make a difference. You must let go of the words. It may break your heart to do so. But the fact is, the actions of the ex should speak louder than words. The words "I love you" are meaningless when their actions are unloving. 

4) The belief that love can prevail over everything 

This relationship opened wounds on your already wounded soul. You invested so much in this person and dreamed you'd spend a lifetime together. Does giving up on them mean giving up on love? Our society--TV, movies, songs--tell us that love is all you need. The truth, however, is that it's not so simple. In fact I believe that in all relationships there is a complex array of issues that make two people compatible or incompatible, and make relationships healthy or not so healthy. Also, sometimes it's hard to separate healthy love from relationship addiction or romance addiction. 

Romance addicts are looking for those highs; that buzz provided by new relationships. 

Relationship addicts: 

* Quickly dive into relationships based on intuition rather than real shared interests, values, or goals. They do this because they want a relationship, yet fear truly revealing themselves because of their "flaws, hangs on when things are obviously bad because they don't feel they could survive without the other person. 

*  Believe they can "make relationships happen by sheer force of will; they believe they can make others love them through sheer tenacity.  

*  Lie to themselves and others about the sacrifices they make (including value judgments) and even put their children's well-being below their need for a relationship. 

* Feel that love and suffering go together like coffee and cream. They romanticize the suffering and martyrdom that people do for love that is so popularized in our culture. 

5) The belief that things will return to "the way they used to be" 

The idealization stages of a relationship in the early stages can be intoxicating and wonderful. But, as in any relationship, the "honeymoon" stage eventually passes. The idealization stage that one or both of you would like to return to isn't sustainable. It never was. The loss of this dream (or the inability to transition in to a healthy next phase of love) may be what triggered the demise of the once super relationship. Mood swings and cycles may have you conditioned to think that, even after a bad period, you can return to the "idealization phase." Your partner may also believe this too. A more realistic representation of your relationship is the one you have recently experienced. 

6) The belief that if you say it louder, you will be heard 

You might think that if you explain your point better, put it in writing, or find the right words, a light bulb will come over your ex-partner's head. You may want to write letters, send a long email, pick up the phone, or have one last meeting. Resist the urge. It will make things worse and rip off some of the scabs that have started to form-however painful their formation can be. You may find your ex has moved on and in love with someone else. This will be excruciatingly painful. Or they might be obsessed with you (or vice versa) and you will be right back where you started. You'll have high hopes that things have changed ("She promised things would be different this time") and you'll get right back on that rollercoaster. This fantasy that the right words will unlock the door to understanding (when it never did before) has, at its roots, the lack of acceptance that your ex-partner has a pervasive disorder--one that you can't cure any more than you can cure cancer with a box of toothpicks and some glue. The way through this is something called "radical acceptance."  

Radical acceptance: It's when you accept something from the depths of your soul. When you accept it in your mind, in your heart, and even with your body. It's total and complete... It's when you stop fighting reality...  Radical acceptance includes accepting both the feelings of anxiety and the aversion to it. In fact, acceptance is not real and not healing unless it honestly includes all aspects of your experience. There is an increasingly well-known adage that says "What you resist, persists.

7) The belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder 

Based on their fear of abandonment, you might think that your partner may see the light if you deprive them of your love. However, people most people also have object constancy issues, i.e., "out of sight, out of mind." After two weeks of separation, they may feel same way you would feel after six weeks. In this case, absence makes the heart grow colder.